Life Gets Crazy but I’m still here…kinda

I can’t believe it’s been so long since my last update…but seriously life has just been so crazy busy that the one time I remember getting on here to make a post my mind went blank and then didn’t start again until I was in bed…of course. πŸ˜›

So…I am planning this to be a long post, unless of course the kids wake up and then it may be really short.

Valentine’s weekend went as planned and is definitely a Valentine to be reckoned with πŸ™‚ I got there before my friend got home from work, snuck into the apartment complex and used my friends spare key to get in…such a ninja πŸ˜‰ I decorated the apartment (somewhat), with banners, table center and such fun stuff. Laid out her present and card and well as one for her sister who she lives with and then while I had planned on getting things prepped for the next day… I had a glass of wine and crashed on the couch until she got there. Lol I was nearly asleep when she showed up. πŸ˜›

We enjoyed catching up and exchanging presents and cards before getting in our comfy pjs and heading to get our massages that evening! Man, oh man it was SO relaxing and just what my sore muscles needed that day!

After our massages we picked up food from Panda Express…so yummy, before heading back to the apartment to eat that, watch a movie, have some yummy chocolate and have some more wine. πŸ™‚ We watched “The Holiday” film.

On Saturday we made yummy Texas shaped waffles which we added M&M’s to each slot along with a side of eggs & tortilla with hot sauce. That wonderful breakfast along with coffee and orange juice was amazing πŸ™‚

We prepped our chicken marinade before picking a nail salon to go to to get our nails done. (Wow, that’s a lot of “to’s”!) I put in the chicken (of course) along with red wine, olive oil, herbs, onion, garlic, salt, and pepper.

We also mixed up and baked Creme BrΓ»lΓ©e before leaving it in the fridge to set while we went to get our nails done. πŸ™‚

I totally hit it off with the receptionist and little girl that was apparently a daughter of one of the ladies there and we were gabbing about our favorite books and movies and such. It was so much fun to meet a fellow book lover!!! πŸ™‚

After our nails were done we had to go to Target to get a baby present for her sister who is having a little boy and who’s baby shower we were going to the next day. We got him some really cute outfits…adorbs! And we even saw a friend of my brother’s there with his girlfriend…it was pretty funny since neither of them live there and we just happened to see them!

We went home and made Ratatouille, which thankfully turned out so good! We had that along with pan seared chicken and rice with greens and of course more wine. πŸ™‚ Β It was a delicious meal! For dessert we had chocolate covered strawberries which we had forgotten to dip earlier πŸ˜› and hand whipped (literally!) sweet cream to go with those and the creme brΓ»lΓ©e which turned out SO absolutely YUM-MY!!!!

Definitely going to make all of that again! Though I would most likely add more flavors to the Ratatouille and probably invest in a flame thingy for the creme brΓ»lΓ©e. πŸ™‚

All I can say though is that it was one of the best meals I’ve ever had and I was thoroughly satisfied with how it all turned out!

The baby shower the next day went very well even though I only knew like three people there and I did really well in the “name the book” game which was Β very satisfying Lol.

I came home later that evening, it was a longer drive home than it was getting there it seemed like that time. 😦 I also missed being able to fellowship with fellow christians like crazy that day.

Now, onto some other news, the main news as to why it’s taken me so long to post. πŸ˜€

I’ve been going to a new Bible Study once a week on Tuesdays for several weeks and finally accepted an invitation to go to a meal with a friend I had met through there, Felicity, and some of her friends, she also hinted at there being a guy she wanted me to meet there.

I went and had a great time, the guy never showed up but two other guys were there from the study and along with the girls we all had a lot of fun cooking and chatting.

A week or so went by and then one of the guys from that evening/study started messaging me….we haven’t stopped yet and I’m even going to a wedding with him and some of the mutual friends we have in a couple of weeks.

Oh, and we’re taking a dance class starting tomorrow evening so we will be able to “really” dance at the wedding. I am throughly excited though I have NO idea what he is expecting.

I REALLY need a relationship manual/handbook! I have no ‘real’ practice and no idea what to expect from a ‘good’ guy. ARGGG

Anyway, between work, guys, new friends, old friends, church things, Bible studies and the like there has just been no time at all to get on here to post…I am hoping to get an app or something soon that may make it easier to post more often but don’t hold your breath!

So that’s about all there is that I can think of for the moment, the kids are up now and while one is upstairs with his legos, another is at dance and the youngest is at the table coloring…I gotta go. πŸ™‚

I have no idea if anyone actually reads these but I am happy to keep on posting…even if it is few and far between!




About to Explode

I am a great bundle of emotion. I have so many emotions rushing through my mind that I am very frustrated and exhausted by the onslaught of them all.

You see, I just got back from a trip that I took this weekend. And the problem is that while I was there I what I consider to be both the second most stupid thing I have ever done as well as the most refreshing thing I’ve ever done.

I asked my bartender (let’s call him Dave) out for coffee after he bought my drink for me.

He said yes. Surprise.

I have never asked anyone out in my life and to do it on vacation when I will never see the man again was idiotic as I am someone who wears her heart on her sleeve. While it was freeing taking the initiative and all, it was done in a somewhat selfish act in trying to get out of my comfort zone and do something I never would normally.

It probably would have been fine but the problems have come from the aftermath since during our date I agreed to let him kiss me.

I shouldn’t have.

I have only been kissed by one other guy in my life (let’s call him Greg) and while it was one of the best things I had ever experienced I was being used and I knew it, so it has always been a tainted memory.

And now, four long years later, and with a craving that had been building slowly over all that time I longed to be held and kissed.

Believe me, Jeff certainly filled that craving and blew Greg’s kisses so far out of the water and out of my mind that I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be able to remember them again. (awesome!)

He treated me like a lady the whole time, never once assuming that he would get anything other than a kiss and I loved every. single. moment.

I hate saying I ‘regret’ it because in a lot of ways I don’t. What I regret is that I know I let myself ‘pretend that all I wanted was a kiss’ but what I really want, what I crave isn’t a ‘kiss’ or a ‘makeout session’ (that’s really what it was) but what I need is a stable, christian man who loves me and wants me.

I am saddened by my weak, sinful self that craves the satisfaction that physical pleasure brings and I am now dealing with the consequences of my actions.

I am craving to see Jeff again; I want his lips, his arms but mostly, I want his love. And that craving is not going to be filled by him and that knowledge is taking a physical toll on me now.

And I know that I will never see him again and I also know he wouldn’t love me and I don’t understand why I think he’d even want to.

I know I’m being ridiculous. I know. Believe me, I’ve tried reasoning with myself and ‘moving’ on and yet it’s so much harder to say than to do. I get attached much to easily, like I said earlier I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am also attention deprived and I tend to grasp onto whatever affection is given when offered.

I know that this will fade. It did with Greg…after several months but then again I had been with him for about eight months so months to get over him was expected.

I’m praying this runs it’s course quickly and I can think back fondly on our kisses without hurting the way I am now.

Mostly, it hurts knowing how I daydreamed and I knew it was pointless and yet I still held a sliver of hope and all that hope has been shattered and now I have to start all over again.

I brought this on myself and I will get through it.

As a very wise woman said, “You are Kind. You are Smart. You are Important.”

And I know I can fall into Jesus’ arms and beg him to fix me again, to forgive me and I know he will. I need to trust Him more fully, he will bring all things into their seasons. And if I have a special man that he’s prepared I know he’ll send him at the right time.

I just need so much patience….but patience is so hard to acquire and then to keep.

The song titled “100 years” by Five For Fighting (love them!) is on my mind right now and I don’t want to waste the years God’s given me and I have no idea how many that will even be. Maybe I’ll only live another two years or maybe I’ll live until I’m 99 and die in my bed of old age in my sleep. I have no idea.

I know I have to get over this. I have to move on. I have to trust God had a reason for allowing me to have my “magical” date on my trip and while I may never know what reason that is I know it will be used for His glory and my good…even if I have no idea how that will work out.

Maybe no one will read this or maybe someone will but they won’t understand it at all but I had to write this down and put it out there. I had to share my soul and get it out so I can breathe a little easier instead of letting it build up inside until I can only gasp out gulping sobs of despair. (Both literally and figuratively)

Now, I’m going to go fall into the arms of my great Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ.