I am a great bundle of emotion. I have so many emotions rushing through my mind that I am very frustrated and exhausted by the onslaught of them all.
You see, I just got back from a trip that I took this weekend. And the problem is that while I was there I what I consider to be both the second most stupid thing I have ever done as well as the most refreshing thing I’ve ever done.
I asked my bartender (let’s call him Dave) out for coffee after he bought my drink for me.
He said yes. Surprise.
I have never asked anyone out in my life and to do it on vacation when I will never see the man again was idiotic as I am someone who wears her heart on her sleeve. While it was freeing taking the initiative and all, it was done in a somewhat selfish act in trying to get out of my comfort zone and do something I never would normally.
It probably would have been fine but the problems have come from the aftermath since during our date I agreed to let him kiss me.
I shouldn’t have.
I have only been kissed by one other guy in my life (let’s call him Greg) and while it was one of the best things I had ever experienced I was being used and I knew it, so it has always been a tainted memory.
And now, four long years later, and with a craving that had been building slowly over all that time I longed to be held and kissed.
Believe me, Jeff certainly filled that craving and blew Greg’s kisses so far out of the water and out of my mind that I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be able to remember them again. (awesome!)
He treated me like a lady the whole time, never once assuming that he would get anything other than a kiss and I loved every. single. moment.
I hate saying I ‘regret’ it because in a lot of ways I don’t. What I regret is that I know I let myself ‘pretend that all I wanted was a kiss’ but what I really want, what I crave isn’t a ‘kiss’ or a ‘makeout session’ (that’s really what it was) but what I need is a stable, christian man who loves me and wants me.
I am saddened by my weak, sinful self that craves the satisfaction that physical pleasure brings and I am now dealing with the consequences of my actions.
I am craving to see Jeff again; I want his lips, his arms but mostly, I want his love. And that craving is not going to be filled by him and that knowledge is taking a physical toll on me now.
And I know that I will never see him again and I also know he wouldn’t love me and I don’t understand why I think he’d even want to.
I know I’m being ridiculous. I know. Believe me, I’ve tried reasoning with myself and ‘moving’ on and yet it’s so much harder to say than to do. I get attached much to easily, like I said earlier I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am also attention deprived and I tend to grasp onto whatever affection is given when offered.
I know that this will fade. It did with Greg…after several months but then again I had been with him for about eight months so months to get over him was expected.
I’m praying this runs it’s course quickly and I can think back fondly on our kisses without hurting the way I am now.
Mostly, it hurts knowing how I daydreamed and I knew it was pointless and yet I still held a sliver of hope and all that hope has been shattered and now I have to start all over again.
I brought this on myself and I will get through it.
As a very wise woman said, “You are Kind. You are Smart. You are Important.”
And I know I can fall into Jesus’ arms and beg him to fix me again, to forgive me and I know he will. I need to trust Him more fully, he will bring all things into their seasons. And if I have a special man that he’s prepared I know he’ll send him at the right time.
I just need so much patience….but patience is so hard to acquire and then to keep.
The song titled “100 years” by Five For Fighting (love them!) is on my mind right now and I don’t want to waste the years God’s given me and I have no idea how many that will even be. Maybe I’ll only live another two years or maybe I’ll live until I’m 99 and die in my bed of old age in my sleep. I have no idea.
I know I have to get over this. I have to move on. I have to trust God had a reason for allowing me to have my “magical” date on my trip and while I may never know what reason that is I know it will be used for His glory and my good…even if I have no idea how that will work out.
Maybe no one will read this or maybe someone will but they won’t understand it at all but I had to write this down and put it out there. I had to share my soul and get it out so I can breathe a little easier instead of letting it build up inside until I can only gasp out gulping sobs of despair. (Both literally and figuratively)
Now, I’m going to go fall into the arms of my great Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ.